The Common Wealth games...

..I hate the the idea of it, all it is is us gathering up a goup of former nations of which we enslaved, put them in the middle of a thirds world country (e.g Scotland) and shout "RUN INDIAN MAN RUN" for our enjoyment.

WKD TYMZ.

So, I vanished slightly...

..after being placed in an Austrian basement. swkd.

So, when I was in there, actually nothing happened, sport went really boring, like, really really boring. And in the past few months the only interesting thing that happened went on off the pitch when Titus "Shambles" Bramble raped some bitch or some shit. The main "RAPE" claim came from Chamakh.

And, because I havent been immerserd with funny witterings about sport, Ive delved into the sub group of some form of social realism, which has seen me turn to drinking coffee and holding conversations about Space Crocodiles.

In essence, it's important we all believe in these not so seemingly mythical creatures. Heres some stats to warm you to the thought and truth of the Space Crocodile, or Crocodillis Spacius in its Latin form:

1. The Space Crocodile has created every crop circle. Ever.
2. We only reched the moon because the Space Crocodile allowed us to visit his home planet on a three week visa.
3. The Space Crocodile LibDem government is unhappy that we have taken to placing a space station on the moon.
4. The average Space Crocodile is 66.72 times more likely to concieve on the moon than the average Council Estate slag.
5. 22% of Space Crocodiles still believe Pluto to be a planet rather than a "large star"

Now, although there is no actual proof that Space Crocodiles exist, or that Crocodiles can ever travel into the seemeningly endless realms of space is 100% unrpoven, but, this picture suggests what it could look like.





Anyway, we all know these animals dont exist, "But what are you getting at Tom?" I hear you cry? Well, i'll explain.

In some sort of philosophical way..ish.

Basically, the problem today is the real world, take a look at it, people are earning £120 000 a week while theres people without a home or food or water round the corner. Children who can't afford shoes and leather produce shoes and leather, whilst we endlessly drone on about how shit our life is because we've chipped a nail or dyed your hair and its went a funny colour. I'd hate to see you starve. In fact, no, I'd love it. Get some humility about you.

But the point is, by believing in such nonsense, it keeps your mind void from the harsh realities of life and cruel, harshness of the outside world. And it's also funny to see peoples reactions when you justify your belief in a Crocodile species adapted to space. Mind. Fuck.

So, instead of worrying about the rain and the windy and whether i'll get shot for running through a ticket barrier whilst wearing a backpack and sweating like a fat lass at a disco in my local train station, I immerse myself in a world thats more comforting than a world filled of AS level resits and fucking UCAS applications.

FUCK YOU WORLD.




Next time it's back to sport...

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTBALL!

... was bypassed by me this week. Unfortuantely/fortunately, I was on holiday, so most of it flew by, apart from the Malaga game, which allows me to report, outside of Barcelona and Madrid, Liga BBVA is a bit shit. A lot like the SPL.

However, I did get the Sunderland game, venturing down the hill to the nearest pub, sat in the corner that the air conditioning couldnt reach, I watched the match, and, enjoyed it, it was a good advert for the game. And my boys popped up with a nice little surprise with a 1-0 win.

The Ryder Cup team was also announced this week, and well, Paul Casey was the shock emission from the team, all because he went money chasing in America, when, in all fairness, after spending almost every day of the year either playing or practicing in the gym, I dont blame the fella. But not only that, he's the 8th best player in the world, and taking him out is like removing Harold Shipman from the docotr of the year awards! BLOODY DISGRACE!

Otherwise, sport was a none even over the week, yet again. Some man drove a motorbike fastest and won, and man drove a funny looking car fastest and won, rugby teams scored the most points and won and Pakistan cheated and didnt win. ALL OF WHICH IS NOT INTERESTING OR SURPRISING.

So, i'll just sit here for another few days with a huge ear infection, check up on some Golf, and then watch BRITISH tennis star Andy Murray in the tennis the Scottish twat cocks up.

IT'S NOT THE EPL, IT'S THE PREMIER LEAGUE!

.. but regardless of this fine statistic, lets move on.

The Premier League has started, been going for 2 games now, and it's been a bit of a goal fest already, with Chelsea smashing copius amounts of goals past any sorry twat that thinks sticking 4 at the back is capable cover. It's not. But the sheer amount of goals aren't what brought Chelsea to my mind, its this...
My main problem is the orange bits? It's got a streakier fake tan than most council estate slags., then again, could be worse, you could have to wear this "striking" number every time you play away...
Elsewhere in the 'EPL' (as it is now being referred to on certain football message boards), theres already been a bit of a laugh. Mainly at the expense of Wigan....and how theyre shit.

Other teams that were having a nice time were teams such as Blackpool, as the hearty fans got a real taste of the premier league, when the tangy orange bastards got a good hiding at The Emirates. Ell Ohh Ell on their behalf.

But, theres been some wonderful statistics floating about, and some of which, unsurprising, such as Lee Cattermole winning the award/suspension for first red card of the season, and Wigan winning the most goals conceded game...and the least scored.

Normally, it's about sport these days, and sport in general, but other than the USPGA the other week, where Dustin Johnson cocked up by putting his club down in a bunker, the gimp, and lost his spot in the play off, which, eventually, a German won. This was surprising, because this playoff was against an American. Although, to ensure the Sherman Tank won, I think theyre required a mighty fine British representative to ensure everything was going just fine.

Otherwise, in my mind, no other sport has actually happened, apart from shit ones, that nobody really cares about. Sweet.

Oh, wait, there was, as fellow Briton, Andy Murray won some tennis matchplaygamething. Well done Andy.
But then he lost another one the other day, Scottish twat.

Itz deed m8.

..Tour de France happened, pre season friendlies happened, cricket happened, formula 1 happened, a spot of golf occured and some super league rugby happened, all in all, nothing to report this time.

APART FROM THE EMIRATES CUP! (because the entire nation stood still for that one...NAAAAAAT)

But, then again, as one season looks set to kick off, a look back at least years football season wouldn't go a miss...

So Chelsea won and the mafia got their hands on another bit silverwear, while Didier Drogba scored loads of goals past loads of teams, which still fails to over take his "ITS A DISGRACE" outburst at number 1 on my list of "Favourite things Didier Drogba has ever done as far as I know of."

Teams scraped while others soared and surprisingly, one of the relegation favourites made it into the top 10, as my beloved Sunderland were outshone by their B team, A.K.A Stoke City.

And Portsmouth eventually got told off for avoiding their debts and taxes, sweet.

Statistcally, Drogba was the best striker in the league scoring 29 goals whilst Kevin Davies reminded us all that he's the hardman around town by snapping 103 people, and claimed the crown of "footballer who's tackles are dirtier than a council house kitchen" award. Stefan Maierhofer was the only man that Peter Crouch looked up to last season, whilst, according to the Premier League statistics page, Marton Fulop is two people, both of which are the exact same height, personally, I think it's his evil twin brother.

Blackpool, West Brom and Newcastle all made it into the big boys league, and Leeds are going into The Championship, but here, we will take a Prince style slant on it and call it "The league that was formerly known as The Fizzy Pop league".

So, after spending millions of pennies on players most of us have never heard of, and giving them enough money to buy a 3 bedroom semi every week, lets hope it's a good season ahead.

As my old man would say; "Football is a game for wankers, but, i'll still pretend to enjoy it as long as it stops your mam from talking to me for an hour and a half"

FTM.

Every now and again...

.. You come across teams and players who, well, just dont realise how utterly genius they are. I'm not talking about George Best, not even Pele, but more about this team...

Deportivo Wanka
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deportivo_Wanka
Not only is their home shirt horrendous, it's also horrendously funny.




God bless naivety.

Well, seemingly, my little 'blog break' has been ended...

...thaaks to Craig Whiteman (http://whiteman92.blogspot.com/ check him out, he can be funny, occasionally) being like a nagging mother, little bitch, moaning how ive never done one in ages,

"I've been expecting one since the world cup final,and Rossi' comeback, and the transfer window officially opening, and the Tour De France." GET A LIFE. However, i'm going to take these points and thrust them into a blog. GO ME.

So, eventually the Transfer 'window' opened, but it's not really a window, it's more like a door as many people from many nations come flooding through all at once. Not much has really happened in it though, loads have teams have bought players from countries, most of which are unheard of, for a bag of rice and a flashy new mudhut, whilst others have made the dreadfully long trip from the north to south bank of the Thames. But it has highlighted the absolute greed of some players, Yaya Toure has swapped sunny Barcelona for shitty Man City, but all for £220 000 a week, although, when he was like 10, all he had was a pair of underpants and a sandal shared between him and his borther Kolo. But, hopefully, he decides to live here, so the mother fucker gets taxed a massive proportion of that, muahahahahahahaha.

The World Cup Final wasnt long ago, and it was an okay game, but occasionally, it drifted into a fight thanks to the Dutch.



It's okay Nigel De Jong, I wasn't looking your way...

Also, although this blog seems to be going on, let's all throw our tut's and shaking heads in the direction of Frank Ribery, the worst pimp...EVER. C'mon Frank, if your going to be a pimp, be a good one, who were you kidding, under age girls. You sicko. However, in other news, Gary Glitter is filing for bankruptcy after alledgedly spending any money he had left in a suspicious shop in Southern Germany.

The Open also happened at the weekend, and well done gappy toother man from South Africa, as you got lucky with the weather. I turely believe if Rory "I love potatoes me" McIlroy wasnt playing in a gale second round he would have fucked you right over.

In the world of Motorsport the Italian man is back on his crotch rocket after having a little boo boo on it, and Mark Webber used his air miles wisely and returned from Thailand with 24 sexually transmitted diseases. To you Mark Webber, one tips ones hat to you.

The Tour de France is going on as well. And, honestly, I could not think of a worse place to ride a bloody bike. France may be all scenic, but its full of bloody hills, they should choose a flat place instead, because after all, they all cycle up a mountain, to go back down, and some man gets a spotty t-shirt because he does well going up hills.

However, losing faith in Sky Sports, because, quite frankly, I could not give a flying fuck about some Pakistani men hitting a red ball about somewhere in Southern England against some team from a really obsolete country or a former colony. SORT IT OUT.

Just remembered Gaza's amazing performance during the Raoul Moat saga and how he believes he is immortal, unfortunately not big fella, although I wish you were. If you fancy a proper giggle, check this out http://www.the-gaffer.com/news/gazza%E2%80%99s-attempt-to-console-holland-with-beer-chicken-and-a-fishing-rod-is-foiled.html.

Otherwise, piss off until next time.

If Giraffe's could talkm they'd probably speak French...

... And at least in the World Cup we werent as bad as them. The French, not Giraffe's.

However, let's check out Holland guys! What goes on there? Apparently lackluster boozing laws, mass and glorified prostitution and legalised Cannabis consumption creates a nation worthy of beating the Samba dancerng, Salsa eating, Rainforest growing South Americans, commonly referred to as Brazil. Now I didnt see the game, but I am under good authority it was a good game, although I have seen the goals, and none were overly spectacular.

Other stuff that happened over the weekend (especially Sunday) was some German blokes not only beat our team at football, but also at driving cars really, really fast around a track. So well done young German man, for you, are a winner. However, more predictably, some hairy, swearing, drunk Australian man went too fast and crashed like a bad man, whilst exploring the Aeroplane dynamics of a Formula 1 car, which arent great. Also, that Spanish man won the Motorbike game thing because typically, the Italian man (who is rather good as it turns out) has given up half way through the season (Like many Italians beforehand *cough* World War 2 *cough*).

Apparently we won at Cricket again. Against the same people, but somehow, by that method, I can only see England getting batter than the team they are playing, and not all the other teams, because they are only ever playing the one team. So, in essence, we can beat Australia, but as soon as we come up against Ireland, we are fucked.

And, to finish on, Andy "I'm British when I win, Scottish when I lose" Murray, has lost. Scottish prick. Although, it could have been worse, because, after all, he did get beaten off Nadal, who is awesome, even if his boxers dont quite fit him. But in all fairness, there was no beating him, but, sorry Andy, back to Haggis land big fella!

Uraguay v Ghana has just gone to extra time. COME ON THE BLACK STARS!

Brillaint...

...Knocked out to the bloody Germans, going to gloss over that entire section right there, just not worth revisiting it, and it's hard to be funny about getting beat 4-1 because thats alreayd piss your pants funny if you dont support England.

Nothing interesting happened in sport today/this week, mainly because all focus was on the football.

Ciao Italia!..

...G'Day New Zealand!

After a fantastic French surrender it's nice to see the Italian coming out in sympathy, but a man not full of sympathy was Cannavaro, yanking his crying friends up from the floor as manly as he could, but we all know he cried in the showers. In a way it's nice to see 'lesser' teams doing well, but back to my previous post, it does have it's slight problems, but on the bright side, each Paraguayan player got his family a new goat for qualifying, you go Christian Riveros, you'll eat for a week!

Also, ENGLAND GOT THROUGH! And they played half decent, but then again, it was against an eastern European country that still believe in incest and Serfdom. But none the less, fantastic to see, and even better, we face Ze Germans in the next round, and already Becken "Jack" Bauer is sticking in his silly German nose, trying to mess shit up and start a war of words, but after current records, there's only one side going to win that war isn't there. Was also nice to say JdotCole having a run out with a little smile on his face, just happy to be there, a lot like the African stereotype at the World Cup. I'd rather have not qualified then go out to the SS. Dunkirk fucking spirit boys!

But in a mass amount of national pride, England beat the Criminals (Australia) at cricket...again. Luckily we had an Irishman who could bail us out when the shit hit the fan, and luckily the Aussies didn't notice him until Mitchell Johnson pointed out his height and how he scored runs not by running, but on the back of a 7/2 horse straight from Ascot.

Big shout out to John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, after battling for a monumental 11 hours and 5 minutes, (or 665 minutes for all you staticians out there) with the Sherman Tank eventually defeating the Snail eating man (whether he surrendered the game is yet to be confirmed). But both blokes should be given a medal, after most of us, we would have put our racket down, flipped a coin, and discussed the conclusion over a couple of pints at the nearest pub, and in achknowledgement of such a great game, including 215 aces (Mahut would have gotten the world record for most aces at 103 if it wasn't for Isners staggering 112 aces), the Queen went and watched some sweaty, ginger Scottish arse beat some bloke nobody has ever heard. Well done Queenie.

Other than that, nothing else has really happened in sport up until now, apart from a rare and great officiating performance from all 4 British officials (at the same time!) in South Africa today. So i'm off to Scotland for some golf for a couple of days so i'll round it all up then.

Bring on Ze Germans, but here's a few chants to sing at the pub
"My grandad shot your grandad, doo da, doo da"

*To the tune of 10 green bottles*
"There were 5 German bombers in the air, there 5 German bombers in the air, 5 German bombers, 5 German bombers, 5 German bombers in the air.....
AND the RAF from England shot one down, the RAF from England shot one, and the RAF from England, RAF from England, RAF from England shot one down"

"5-1, even Heskey scored,
5-1, even Heskey scored!"

and finally

"2 World Wars and 1 World Cup, doo da, doo da"

Seem to have gotten it wrong...

I dont know why, but for a moment back then, I assumed we were the dog munchers, sorry.

to rephrase

"A chance to play Ghana or Germany in the last 16, safe to say, C'MON ENGLAND!"

To quote Craig Byrne...

..."the day the world cup final is Serbia vs Mexico is the day I hang myself".
And it's been giant killings again in the world cup. Which is a shame, in a way. It's fair to say that France played like a team not unified, not hungry and a team who just didnt give a shit. In my opinion, the only reason they actually played football was to spite Ireland. Nice. But going out after losing 2-1 to Sotuh Africa (who aren't the greatest footballing nation ever) really says it all, especially when you read the team sheet, Tshabalala sounds like he belongs in a Tony Christie song rather than Centre Midfield. All in all, i made the wrong match choices today, but looking at some of the highlights, the Uraguay gam wasnt amazing neither, 4 games in a day with 2 being played at the same time isn't good. In fact, it's about as cool as scoring a reall good goal, screaming at a camera and getting pulled for failing a "random drug test".

Also watched some cricket today, before thinking to myself "Has it got this bad that i'm watching a fat Australian man throw a ball at a scared looking man with some sponge and a plank of wood as a defence mechanism?", realising the answer was "No" and quickly flicked to some NASCAR.

I would also like to say I truely believe NASCAR is okay to watch, but why the oval tracks all the time? Are the Yanks really that stupid that they cant go round one corner, then do a corner the opposite way? Oh wait, they're from the deep south, taking it all back! Tools.

And it was the long awaited "Emergency budget" today, in which I was surprised the Tories didn't put up petrol and booze taxes just to fuck us (working class people) over a little more. But wait, there's more to that..Upson IS starting tomorrow? Poor choice Don Fabio, Michael Dawson all the way bruv, you get me? That's right, 3pm tomorrow! Fuck you David "call me Dave" Cameron, more pressing issues are at hand, the only way the budget would have been less popular is if Cameron confirmed Heskey was starting tomorrow. Thats how much we care mate. Cheers ConDem.

And so as the Argie Bargies beat the Plate Smashers, I give my leave, so with France out, Mexico and Argentina through with relative ease and the offer of a game against Uraguay in the last 16, it's safe to C'MON ENGLAND!

So...

.. the budget is announced tomorrow, but who cares, after all, it means 24 hours until Englands crucial game against Slovenia or whoever it is.
So far, i've been smitten by the World Cup, but i don't understand why, i'd find better football in League 1 these days. Sure, the players are world class and the officiating is of the highest standard, but it's safe to say, compared to other World Cups (at the half way stage), it's been shite. Fewer goals (but thanks for the effort Portugal), and loads of red cards (Thank you Asian referee's). So far there hasn't been a truely outstanding team, the Germans started well but flopped quickly, Spain (ther perrenial unachievers) seem to be doing just that, Italy have stuttered their way to 2 points while Ireland have seemed to defect after the abrupt end Nick O'Nelka's World Cup after a dressing room spat with Ray Done-me-neckin, with Argentina doing good, but looking shakey at theback. And, well, as for England, lets leave that one.
However, I have been pleasantly surprised by Paraguay, and its safe to say, theyr'e okay, and same goes for Uraguay, but my stand out favourites so far have been Chile. Simple as that.

The Cricket season also marches on, but very few actually care about that, because we all know some bats-person somewhere, most probably born in Australia, hit a few 4's, knocked a couple of 6's then ran loads of other numbers, such as the number 1, 2 and 3. So well done that man.

The Tennis also started today, but i don't personally watch it, as we all know some British person will do okay in it, get to like the Quater Finals and get beat off some bloke who's Dad makes watches or fights Bull's for a living and goes on to be the eventual winner, while one of the Williams birds wins the womens.

Motorsport has also been happening, and as part time Brit, Lewis Hamilton wins some stuff like champagne which he squirts at Germans (in an attempt to blind them with the fizzy stuff as to remind them who's boss after 2 world wars and a motorway speed limit of 70), some Italian prick fell on his Cycle and hurt himself, he then said he'd miss a few races and now some Paella eating ponce is winning a few races, but, it's better than the man from the deep south who believes in Jesus and Motorsport and repents Gay's and non drunk-drivers.

Another sport (in which i'm interested in) will grab some headlines, as Northern Irishman, Graeme McDowell won the U.S Open, so well done son, get yourself a beer that sort of is a Guinness, but not quite, or even better, use it as a platform to dig up some stuff from Bloody Sunday that nobody really cares about anymore and claim you back the British Army, or plant a bomb in the Trafford Centre as some sort of victory celebration. But still, well done, you beat the man who plays golf the wrong way round and the man whore (and lapsed faith Buddhist) Tiger.

And it was also good fun watching the Irish midgets ride really big horses really fast over hedges and shit and then some fell off and some men in funny hats (who resembles the Monopoly Man) lost some money, and some won. Get in.

Overall the next few weeks are looking interesting, as a persue my career in being a Sky Sports columnist, I am now changing this bad boiiii to a comical-ish look on sport. Geeeeet up.

When you have nothing better to do with your life

...turn to ye olde blog.

I liked it when Kevin Prince Boateng missed a penalty. The fact he clearly believes his is Portsmouths best player says somethign about him, especially when he's shit.
Also been told that England fans arent allowed to wear their shirts in pubs and hang flags out of their windows because it "may cause offence to those of non-English heritage and immigrants." So now national pride is illegal. What next, i'm not allowed to discuss what i had for breakfast incase i say "Bacon sandwich" too loud and cause offence to a passing Muslim? Policital correctness gone mad. At least its not all bad in the world of spor..... oh, yeah, it is. I have seemingly forgotten that our media is the only media i know of who will gladly rob the British economy of over 3 billion pounds in order to seel a few more extra papars. Cheers Daily Mail. You cunts.

I was in college today and spent some time on the 5th floor. Its no different from any other floor in college, it has rooms, doors, a floor, 3 lifts and a ceiling, however, unlike any other floor in college it would make a member of the BNP go fucking wild.

I'm bored now, lets go cure it, with revision.

Football and numbers...

1. 666 is the number of the devil, or three Gary Pallisters.
2. is the only number Bastian Schweinsteiger can remember.
3. Mick McCarthy can smell round corners.
4. Thierry Henry benefits from 33.8% less razor gluide when using his Gillette Fushion Power compared to that of his Gillette Mach 3 Turbo.
5a. If you took then entire Spanish football squad and asked them to count to 10, none of them could do it.
5b. If you took the entire Spansih football squad and asked them to make 10 passes they would do it with subsequent ease.
6. If faced with an improbable equation Zidane headbutts it until it gets itself back into a comprehendable form.
7a. Ryan Giggs insists there is 365 degrees to a circle, where as Gary Neville believes it is 366.
7b. Both are correct.
8a. David Beckhams tattoo's are actually used so he can remember things such as dates, times and his shirt number.
8b. This was inspired by the film Memento
9. When faced with 2+2 Lionel Messi can reduced the equation to 1 on 1 = goal.
10. John Barnes does in fact know what time is the right time to hold and give, but cannot actually tell the time itself.

Nick Clegg...

Is in it for the poontang!

So....

It appears my blogs are becoming as rare as a Tory who isnt a cunt. Shame.

World Cup countdown is still on, despite the gratuitous advertising

"You need a telly to watch football!" I think Tesco need to change their advertising consultant, as the people watching this advert already have a telly, hence they are watching the advert.

That's like trying to sell spare ears via radio.

Elections are nearing as well, which for most of us, means deciding on who to vote for, but in Ginger Mike's case, it's just an excuse for him to become as racist as a white man in the 1800's and moan about everything and everyone "Clegg's a twat!......So is Brown, as is Cameron!". Decide old man, decide.

Other things are coming up on the agenda as well, and that's nothing to do with the increased sales of viagra.

However, Alan Hutton had an up and down three minutes at the KC yesterday, throwing the ball off Altidore as he lay there like he'd been shot by a sniper = funny, getting your faced smashed in by a headbutt a council estate lay about would be pleased with = not funny, red card = who cares.

Tomorrow i plan to devise my own Olympic set-up with Craig Whiteman. Stay tuned, or as Al Queda would say "Allah, allah, allah, allah, jihad"

The World...

Greatly frustrates me on a regular basis. There be too much shite and irregularities and all that to make it worth while. Not only is this laptop as tempremental as a four year old as far as typing is concerned, it only goes downhill. What really has gotten on my lady lumps recently is this "Hea, m8, wts ur BB pin?" shite. Just, seriously, piss off with it, you have my number, it's the same as texting, youre showing off and failing now on your fucking bike pal.
Another is the ever increasing Darren Bent debate, should he, shouldn't he, nobody knows shite. Capello needs to sort it. Get him in a first team friendly and see what the lad can do. Otherwise, its Zenden for England with his "unbelieeeeeevable tekkers"
Various other things also wind me up, involving perverts, the Pope , Newcastles promotion and how Mark Webber never swears anymore when he finishes an F1 race.
On another note, not only has Craig Whiteman now stolen my blogging thunder, he has also made it as regular and far too alike Russel Howard's Good News, however, at least it is slightly original. Still, he's alright enough. I think tolerable is the word. Or sket.
I've completely ran out now.
LET'S ALL PLAY SOME FUCKING RISK!
Winner gets a Tunnocks (:

Bloggizzle in Snoop Dogg tizzle....

is all thizzle nizzle rizzle.

Pizzle.

x

"Chow bitches"...

Go die.

Please.

Hmmm...

"I will never get tired...
At the look of both disappointment and regret from Ginger Mike (a.k.a Dad) every time I say something stupid or funny. Or both. I get the feeling one day he'll give up, feeling he's suffered long enough that one night as I sleep, he'll run into my room and hold a pillow over my face. Or as push me down the stairs one morning as I got about getting ready. Or he'll kick me out."

My U in History didn't help.

To quote Hollie Lees...

..."According to Alan Campbell I live in the safest area of the UK!"

A mere 3 hours later I got to whiteness some lad getting absolutely battered at a Metro Station in North Tyneside.

Explain that one Campbell.

When watching Manchester United...

I worry, as it has now become hard to tell whether Sir Alex is celebrating or having a stroke.

I will never get tired...

At the look of both disappointment and regret from Ginger Mike (a.k.a Dad) every time I say something stupid or funny. Or both. I get the feeling one day he'll give up, feeling he's suffered long enough that one night as I sleep, he'll run into my room and hold a pillow over my face. Or as push me down the stairs one morning as I got about getting ready. Or he'll kick me out.

Hate this. Going to go away and learn how to become a stand up comedian.

Quote of the week...

"get your phalanges out for the lads."

love it.

In other news, 99 days until the world cup. My countdown is on. Wales for Rugby, England for football. That's how I roll. Bit excited really, although, following England tradition the semi-finals will be as far as we get where we'll get knocked out by some inbred country like Portugal or the Argentinians (but it's okay, we'll get them back when we steal all their oil from the Falklands)

Also nice to see Cameron loosing support by the day. Being from the North it's imperative that he doesn't win, otherwise he'll steal my milk. Twat. Shame that a large proportion of the nation is voting BNP for the crack (or 'craic' as some like to spell it). If they do get in there'll be an egg in direct alignment for a lot of peoples faces, unless it turns out of course, that Nick Griffin is a genuinely nice bloke and runs the country proper good...which I doubt, but we shouldnt jump the gun.

Noticed as well that in Number 10. big Gordy Bee is bullying some of his office staff. Nice touch, but someone in the office should have stood up and said "Fuck off you fat, Scottish, one eyed prick!" Evidently everyone must have been too scared. In all fairness to Gordon though, I like how he gets angry, at least it shows he cares.

Just realised this blog got serious, so lets go back to how it should be. That's if I can think of something funny to say, which i can't.

Mmmmm,

why are all these blogs so serious?
I must have missed the memo that states all teenagers should go from being carefree and wonderfully simple to ranting about the government, credit crunches and such. Fair 'nuff, it is on certain levels important, but it feels like a lot of kids my age would rather sit in a little corner cafe drinking a skinny latte working away on their Mac instead of wanting to waste their money on fast food and copius amounts of booze all in the aim of a good night. Its a sad day when a 16 year old turns down a pint in favour of a cuppa.
In a way, me posting this is sort of touching on what i'm getting at.
I think we've all forgotten how to have some proper fun.

To expand on Dan Craig's blog...

I couldnt help but notice the headline of "Haiti" on the anit racist newspaper. I must have been an idiot for asking, but how has and earthquake got anything to do with racism? Maybe i'm racist for not stopping the earthquake. If so, shame on me. Or quite possibly it's a result of all racial hatred, spurring out from the tectonic plates of the globe, resulting in a shattering blow to the innocent people of Haiti. Or even moreso, it could just be that God still hates homosexuals and drug addicts, in which case, i assume, the big man got it completely wrong...unless the people of Haiti were all bum chums and rug munchers on an island built on used needles and £20 notes using for the consumption of that little white powder we all quirkily refer to as Cocaine.

In other news i found £2 under my bed today. Win for me! I could get two anti-racist newspapers for that.

You Love Her?

But if i smashed her face in with a shovel and seriously deformed her face would you still?
No???
Well then, you're just fond of her facial features.

Me, Dan Craig and Janderson...

..do partake in what can only be described as great conversation when i'm not screaming across the refectory to Sam to tell Hollie (who i refer to as 'that slag' to answer her phone).

Dan: Haiti is a conspiracy, theyre hoarding all the money
Jordan: I know, how much does it really take to rebuild mud huts? You'll go over there and they'll all be 'look at my mansion, i got this for free thanks to you', they'll all be rich
Me: Next thing you'll know they'll buy the Burj Al Arab and Man City
Dan: And just sign the prem
Thomas: They can sign anyone they like, and be so good they can have a really poor player, like Princess Diana, using all the money to bring her back to life. The commentary would be great when the cameras go into the tunnel before they walk out "And Diana also looks to be in the starting line up, but whether she can make it out of the tunnel this time is an entirely different matter"

'nuff sed

I miss...

the lady who was dressed as a tea towel in the lift the other day.
Like Dan said, she was ready for dishes on the go. A sound investment in a housewife possibly.
I may lure her in with a trail of dirty dishes before caputruing her in a net and sellling her for a reasonable profit.

And once again, my evening has takn a sad turn and became shockingly boring, and i have resorted to the form of blogging away my boredom, if only for a few minutes, in vain hope that in some way the internet will repay me with some level of achknowledgement, and thus, entertainment. In the words of Pete Doherty "I thought they (wraps of heroine) were in my other coat"

I completely see...

where Dan Craig is coming from, Hollie Lees and mother Chloe produce serious blogs. They probably drink coffee and moan at the youth of today aswell. Still love them though.



In other news Jordan Anderson showed some great teamwork in Starbucks today, i was impressed, although i was the complete opposite when i found out he should have been in Derek Time instead. Tut tut Jordan.

Also admire the FA and Sunderland A.F.C, who luckily (or unluckily, depending how you see it) completed the Benjani move after a dodgey fax machine nearly bolloxed it up. Nice.

Starbuck's window provided some sights worthy of television today, the two best being when a man in a raggy coat and brand new wellies stood in front of us in the window, turned around and started screaming his peanut head off at the statue of the man balancing on his elbow outside of The Lounge, before he stopped, scratched his face and wondered off towards Grey's Monument. The second of me being hugely frustrated at the most rediculous Seagul ever, it went around in the same circle about 6 times before it finally went where it was going to go. Why not take off and go in that direction in the first place you prick?

Ive enjoyed the past few days, they've been a blast, however, i've been lacking in the company of Campbell and Byrne and who ever tags along with them.

I think i'm going to go now and revel in the musical joys that are The XX and The Teenagers, fun times for me.

Nobody reads this shit do they?

tara! xxx





P.S Dan Craig has a choade.

My Christ...

Anyone else seen Vennables world cup song? Dreadful.

Nothing will ever beat New Order and John Barnes.

Valiant effort though.

Occasionally...

i come up with some amazing ideas, my pride and joy at the minute being that of my brainstorm to chain rapists and paedophiles to ruddy great big radiators, in the basic theory of it, it has to be a win win situation. Convicted rapist/paedo? Get away from radiators, it's only going to end up badly for you. But, the basic point is, either way, society is at a win, just think about it, pure genuis. Tie said rapist/paedo to the radiator (i'm imagining with handcuffs, the details are still at a bare minimum here) and let the action unfold, as so far i have figured three outcomes will come of this one simple act:
1. The rapist/paedo will give up all hope, and tied to a radiator will eventually starve to death, realising his unwinnable battle.
2. The rapist/paedo will somehow detatch the radiator from the wall, however, he has not won, after all, they wont be hard to spot and recapture with a rather large radiator chained the their wrist.
and finally, 3. Desperate for kids/women to rape, the said person will eat one's hand until it is completely free (however, this could lead to the rndom attacks on those unfortunate enough to lose a hand, as they could be mistaken for a paedo/rapist, and for those with both hands missing, to the hoards, it only means youve been caught, and freed...twice)

Get ready Gordon Bee and the Homeoffice, you gots a letter heading your way!

Sometimes...

I put my left sock on first, and other times, i put my right one on first.

Fail...

I will never emulate Dan Craig and his blogging skills.