So, I vanished slightly...

..after being placed in an Austrian basement. swkd.

So, when I was in there, actually nothing happened, sport went really boring, like, really really boring. And in the past few months the only interesting thing that happened went on off the pitch when Titus "Shambles" Bramble raped some bitch or some shit. The main "RAPE" claim came from Chamakh.

And, because I havent been immerserd with funny witterings about sport, Ive delved into the sub group of some form of social realism, which has seen me turn to drinking coffee and holding conversations about Space Crocodiles.

In essence, it's important we all believe in these not so seemingly mythical creatures. Heres some stats to warm you to the thought and truth of the Space Crocodile, or Crocodillis Spacius in its Latin form:

1. The Space Crocodile has created every crop circle. Ever.
2. We only reched the moon because the Space Crocodile allowed us to visit his home planet on a three week visa.
3. The Space Crocodile LibDem government is unhappy that we have taken to placing a space station on the moon.
4. The average Space Crocodile is 66.72 times more likely to concieve on the moon than the average Council Estate slag.
5. 22% of Space Crocodiles still believe Pluto to be a planet rather than a "large star"

Now, although there is no actual proof that Space Crocodiles exist, or that Crocodiles can ever travel into the seemeningly endless realms of space is 100% unrpoven, but, this picture suggests what it could look like.





Anyway, we all know these animals dont exist, "But what are you getting at Tom?" I hear you cry? Well, i'll explain.

In some sort of philosophical way..ish.

Basically, the problem today is the real world, take a look at it, people are earning £120 000 a week while theres people without a home or food or water round the corner. Children who can't afford shoes and leather produce shoes and leather, whilst we endlessly drone on about how shit our life is because we've chipped a nail or dyed your hair and its went a funny colour. I'd hate to see you starve. In fact, no, I'd love it. Get some humility about you.

But the point is, by believing in such nonsense, it keeps your mind void from the harsh realities of life and cruel, harshness of the outside world. And it's also funny to see peoples reactions when you justify your belief in a Crocodile species adapted to space. Mind. Fuck.

So, instead of worrying about the rain and the windy and whether i'll get shot for running through a ticket barrier whilst wearing a backpack and sweating like a fat lass at a disco in my local train station, I immerse myself in a world thats more comforting than a world filled of AS level resits and fucking UCAS applications.

FUCK YOU WORLD.




Next time it's back to sport...

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTBALL!

... was bypassed by me this week. Unfortuantely/fortunately, I was on holiday, so most of it flew by, apart from the Malaga game, which allows me to report, outside of Barcelona and Madrid, Liga BBVA is a bit shit. A lot like the SPL.

However, I did get the Sunderland game, venturing down the hill to the nearest pub, sat in the corner that the air conditioning couldnt reach, I watched the match, and, enjoyed it, it was a good advert for the game. And my boys popped up with a nice little surprise with a 1-0 win.

The Ryder Cup team was also announced this week, and well, Paul Casey was the shock emission from the team, all because he went money chasing in America, when, in all fairness, after spending almost every day of the year either playing or practicing in the gym, I dont blame the fella. But not only that, he's the 8th best player in the world, and taking him out is like removing Harold Shipman from the docotr of the year awards! BLOODY DISGRACE!

Otherwise, sport was a none even over the week, yet again. Some man drove a motorbike fastest and won, and man drove a funny looking car fastest and won, rugby teams scored the most points and won and Pakistan cheated and didnt win. ALL OF WHICH IS NOT INTERESTING OR SURPRISING.

So, i'll just sit here for another few days with a huge ear infection, check up on some Golf, and then watch BRITISH tennis star Andy Murray in the tennis the Scottish twat cocks up.

IT'S NOT THE EPL, IT'S THE PREMIER LEAGUE!

.. but regardless of this fine statistic, lets move on.

The Premier League has started, been going for 2 games now, and it's been a bit of a goal fest already, with Chelsea smashing copius amounts of goals past any sorry twat that thinks sticking 4 at the back is capable cover. It's not. But the sheer amount of goals aren't what brought Chelsea to my mind, its this...
My main problem is the orange bits? It's got a streakier fake tan than most council estate slags., then again, could be worse, you could have to wear this "striking" number every time you play away...
Elsewhere in the 'EPL' (as it is now being referred to on certain football message boards), theres already been a bit of a laugh. Mainly at the expense of Wigan....and how theyre shit.

Other teams that were having a nice time were teams such as Blackpool, as the hearty fans got a real taste of the premier league, when the tangy orange bastards got a good hiding at The Emirates. Ell Ohh Ell on their behalf.

But, theres been some wonderful statistics floating about, and some of which, unsurprising, such as Lee Cattermole winning the award/suspension for first red card of the season, and Wigan winning the most goals conceded game...and the least scored.

Normally, it's about sport these days, and sport in general, but other than the USPGA the other week, where Dustin Johnson cocked up by putting his club down in a bunker, the gimp, and lost his spot in the play off, which, eventually, a German won. This was surprising, because this playoff was against an American. Although, to ensure the Sherman Tank won, I think theyre required a mighty fine British representative to ensure everything was going just fine.

Otherwise, in my mind, no other sport has actually happened, apart from shit ones, that nobody really cares about. Sweet.

Oh, wait, there was, as fellow Briton, Andy Murray won some tennis matchplaygamething. Well done Andy.
But then he lost another one the other day, Scottish twat.

Itz deed m8.

..Tour de France happened, pre season friendlies happened, cricket happened, formula 1 happened, a spot of golf occured and some super league rugby happened, all in all, nothing to report this time.

APART FROM THE EMIRATES CUP! (because the entire nation stood still for that one...NAAAAAAT)

But, then again, as one season looks set to kick off, a look back at least years football season wouldn't go a miss...

So Chelsea won and the mafia got their hands on another bit silverwear, while Didier Drogba scored loads of goals past loads of teams, which still fails to over take his "ITS A DISGRACE" outburst at number 1 on my list of "Favourite things Didier Drogba has ever done as far as I know of."

Teams scraped while others soared and surprisingly, one of the relegation favourites made it into the top 10, as my beloved Sunderland were outshone by their B team, A.K.A Stoke City.

And Portsmouth eventually got told off for avoiding their debts and taxes, sweet.

Statistcally, Drogba was the best striker in the league scoring 29 goals whilst Kevin Davies reminded us all that he's the hardman around town by snapping 103 people, and claimed the crown of "footballer who's tackles are dirtier than a council house kitchen" award. Stefan Maierhofer was the only man that Peter Crouch looked up to last season, whilst, according to the Premier League statistics page, Marton Fulop is two people, both of which are the exact same height, personally, I think it's his evil twin brother.

Blackpool, West Brom and Newcastle all made it into the big boys league, and Leeds are going into The Championship, but here, we will take a Prince style slant on it and call it "The league that was formerly known as The Fizzy Pop league".

So, after spending millions of pennies on players most of us have never heard of, and giving them enough money to buy a 3 bedroom semi every week, lets hope it's a good season ahead.

As my old man would say; "Football is a game for wankers, but, i'll still pretend to enjoy it as long as it stops your mam from talking to me for an hour and a half"

FTM.

Every now and again...

.. You come across teams and players who, well, just dont realise how utterly genius they are. I'm not talking about George Best, not even Pele, but more about this team...

Deportivo Wanka
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deportivo_Wanka
Not only is their home shirt horrendous, it's also horrendously funny.




God bless naivety.

Well, seemingly, my little 'blog break' has been ended...

...thaaks to Craig Whiteman (http://whiteman92.blogspot.com/ check him out, he can be funny, occasionally) being like a nagging mother, little bitch, moaning how ive never done one in ages,

"I've been expecting one since the world cup final,and Rossi' comeback, and the transfer window officially opening, and the Tour De France." GET A LIFE. However, i'm going to take these points and thrust them into a blog. GO ME.

So, eventually the Transfer 'window' opened, but it's not really a window, it's more like a door as many people from many nations come flooding through all at once. Not much has really happened in it though, loads have teams have bought players from countries, most of which are unheard of, for a bag of rice and a flashy new mudhut, whilst others have made the dreadfully long trip from the north to south bank of the Thames. But it has highlighted the absolute greed of some players, Yaya Toure has swapped sunny Barcelona for shitty Man City, but all for £220 000 a week, although, when he was like 10, all he had was a pair of underpants and a sandal shared between him and his borther Kolo. But, hopefully, he decides to live here, so the mother fucker gets taxed a massive proportion of that, muahahahahahahaha.

The World Cup Final wasnt long ago, and it was an okay game, but occasionally, it drifted into a fight thanks to the Dutch.



It's okay Nigel De Jong, I wasn't looking your way...

Also, although this blog seems to be going on, let's all throw our tut's and shaking heads in the direction of Frank Ribery, the worst pimp...EVER. C'mon Frank, if your going to be a pimp, be a good one, who were you kidding, under age girls. You sicko. However, in other news, Gary Glitter is filing for bankruptcy after alledgedly spending any money he had left in a suspicious shop in Southern Germany.

The Open also happened at the weekend, and well done gappy toother man from South Africa, as you got lucky with the weather. I turely believe if Rory "I love potatoes me" McIlroy wasnt playing in a gale second round he would have fucked you right over.

In the world of Motorsport the Italian man is back on his crotch rocket after having a little boo boo on it, and Mark Webber used his air miles wisely and returned from Thailand with 24 sexually transmitted diseases. To you Mark Webber, one tips ones hat to you.

The Tour de France is going on as well. And, honestly, I could not think of a worse place to ride a bloody bike. France may be all scenic, but its full of bloody hills, they should choose a flat place instead, because after all, they all cycle up a mountain, to go back down, and some man gets a spotty t-shirt because he does well going up hills.

However, losing faith in Sky Sports, because, quite frankly, I could not give a flying fuck about some Pakistani men hitting a red ball about somewhere in Southern England against some team from a really obsolete country or a former colony. SORT IT OUT.

Just remembered Gaza's amazing performance during the Raoul Moat saga and how he believes he is immortal, unfortunately not big fella, although I wish you were. If you fancy a proper giggle, check this out http://www.the-gaffer.com/news/gazza%E2%80%99s-attempt-to-console-holland-with-beer-chicken-and-a-fishing-rod-is-foiled.html.

Otherwise, piss off until next time.

If Giraffe's could talkm they'd probably speak French...

... And at least in the World Cup we werent as bad as them. The French, not Giraffe's.

However, let's check out Holland guys! What goes on there? Apparently lackluster boozing laws, mass and glorified prostitution and legalised Cannabis consumption creates a nation worthy of beating the Samba dancerng, Salsa eating, Rainforest growing South Americans, commonly referred to as Brazil. Now I didnt see the game, but I am under good authority it was a good game, although I have seen the goals, and none were overly spectacular.

Other stuff that happened over the weekend (especially Sunday) was some German blokes not only beat our team at football, but also at driving cars really, really fast around a track. So well done young German man, for you, are a winner. However, more predictably, some hairy, swearing, drunk Australian man went too fast and crashed like a bad man, whilst exploring the Aeroplane dynamics of a Formula 1 car, which arent great. Also, that Spanish man won the Motorbike game thing because typically, the Italian man (who is rather good as it turns out) has given up half way through the season (Like many Italians beforehand *cough* World War 2 *cough*).

Apparently we won at Cricket again. Against the same people, but somehow, by that method, I can only see England getting batter than the team they are playing, and not all the other teams, because they are only ever playing the one team. So, in essence, we can beat Australia, but as soon as we come up against Ireland, we are fucked.

And, to finish on, Andy "I'm British when I win, Scottish when I lose" Murray, has lost. Scottish prick. Although, it could have been worse, because, after all, he did get beaten off Nadal, who is awesome, even if his boxers dont quite fit him. But in all fairness, there was no beating him, but, sorry Andy, back to Haggis land big fella!

Uraguay v Ghana has just gone to extra time. COME ON THE BLACK STARS!