IT'S NOT THE EPL, IT'S THE PREMIER LEAGUE!

.. but regardless of this fine statistic, lets move on.

The Premier League has started, been going for 2 games now, and it's been a bit of a goal fest already, with Chelsea smashing copius amounts of goals past any sorry twat that thinks sticking 4 at the back is capable cover. It's not. But the sheer amount of goals aren't what brought Chelsea to my mind, its this...
My main problem is the orange bits? It's got a streakier fake tan than most council estate slags., then again, could be worse, you could have to wear this "striking" number every time you play away...
Elsewhere in the 'EPL' (as it is now being referred to on certain football message boards), theres already been a bit of a laugh. Mainly at the expense of Wigan....and how theyre shit.

Other teams that were having a nice time were teams such as Blackpool, as the hearty fans got a real taste of the premier league, when the tangy orange bastards got a good hiding at The Emirates. Ell Ohh Ell on their behalf.

But, theres been some wonderful statistics floating about, and some of which, unsurprising, such as Lee Cattermole winning the award/suspension for first red card of the season, and Wigan winning the most goals conceded game...and the least scored.

Normally, it's about sport these days, and sport in general, but other than the USPGA the other week, where Dustin Johnson cocked up by putting his club down in a bunker, the gimp, and lost his spot in the play off, which, eventually, a German won. This was surprising, because this playoff was against an American. Although, to ensure the Sherman Tank won, I think theyre required a mighty fine British representative to ensure everything was going just fine.

Otherwise, in my mind, no other sport has actually happened, apart from shit ones, that nobody really cares about. Sweet.

Oh, wait, there was, as fellow Briton, Andy Murray won some tennis matchplaygamething. Well done Andy.
But then he lost another one the other day, Scottish twat.

Itz deed m8.

..Tour de France happened, pre season friendlies happened, cricket happened, formula 1 happened, a spot of golf occured and some super league rugby happened, all in all, nothing to report this time.

APART FROM THE EMIRATES CUP! (because the entire nation stood still for that one...NAAAAAAT)

But, then again, as one season looks set to kick off, a look back at least years football season wouldn't go a miss...

So Chelsea won and the mafia got their hands on another bit silverwear, while Didier Drogba scored loads of goals past loads of teams, which still fails to over take his "ITS A DISGRACE" outburst at number 1 on my list of "Favourite things Didier Drogba has ever done as far as I know of."

Teams scraped while others soared and surprisingly, one of the relegation favourites made it into the top 10, as my beloved Sunderland were outshone by their B team, A.K.A Stoke City.

And Portsmouth eventually got told off for avoiding their debts and taxes, sweet.

Statistcally, Drogba was the best striker in the league scoring 29 goals whilst Kevin Davies reminded us all that he's the hardman around town by snapping 103 people, and claimed the crown of "footballer who's tackles are dirtier than a council house kitchen" award. Stefan Maierhofer was the only man that Peter Crouch looked up to last season, whilst, according to the Premier League statistics page, Marton Fulop is two people, both of which are the exact same height, personally, I think it's his evil twin brother.

Blackpool, West Brom and Newcastle all made it into the big boys league, and Leeds are going into The Championship, but here, we will take a Prince style slant on it and call it "The league that was formerly known as The Fizzy Pop league".

So, after spending millions of pennies on players most of us have never heard of, and giving them enough money to buy a 3 bedroom semi every week, lets hope it's a good season ahead.

As my old man would say; "Football is a game for wankers, but, i'll still pretend to enjoy it as long as it stops your mam from talking to me for an hour and a half"

FTM.

Every now and again...

.. You come across teams and players who, well, just dont realise how utterly genius they are. I'm not talking about George Best, not even Pele, but more about this team...

Deportivo Wanka
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deportivo_Wanka
Not only is their home shirt horrendous, it's also horrendously funny.




God bless naivety.

Well, seemingly, my little 'blog break' has been ended...

...thaaks to Craig Whiteman (http://whiteman92.blogspot.com/ check him out, he can be funny, occasionally) being like a nagging mother, little bitch, moaning how ive never done one in ages,

"I've been expecting one since the world cup final,and Rossi' comeback, and the transfer window officially opening, and the Tour De France." GET A LIFE. However, i'm going to take these points and thrust them into a blog. GO ME.

So, eventually the Transfer 'window' opened, but it's not really a window, it's more like a door as many people from many nations come flooding through all at once. Not much has really happened in it though, loads have teams have bought players from countries, most of which are unheard of, for a bag of rice and a flashy new mudhut, whilst others have made the dreadfully long trip from the north to south bank of the Thames. But it has highlighted the absolute greed of some players, Yaya Toure has swapped sunny Barcelona for shitty Man City, but all for £220 000 a week, although, when he was like 10, all he had was a pair of underpants and a sandal shared between him and his borther Kolo. But, hopefully, he decides to live here, so the mother fucker gets taxed a massive proportion of that, muahahahahahahaha.

The World Cup Final wasnt long ago, and it was an okay game, but occasionally, it drifted into a fight thanks to the Dutch.



It's okay Nigel De Jong, I wasn't looking your way...

Also, although this blog seems to be going on, let's all throw our tut's and shaking heads in the direction of Frank Ribery, the worst pimp...EVER. C'mon Frank, if your going to be a pimp, be a good one, who were you kidding, under age girls. You sicko. However, in other news, Gary Glitter is filing for bankruptcy after alledgedly spending any money he had left in a suspicious shop in Southern Germany.

The Open also happened at the weekend, and well done gappy toother man from South Africa, as you got lucky with the weather. I turely believe if Rory "I love potatoes me" McIlroy wasnt playing in a gale second round he would have fucked you right over.

In the world of Motorsport the Italian man is back on his crotch rocket after having a little boo boo on it, and Mark Webber used his air miles wisely and returned from Thailand with 24 sexually transmitted diseases. To you Mark Webber, one tips ones hat to you.

The Tour de France is going on as well. And, honestly, I could not think of a worse place to ride a bloody bike. France may be all scenic, but its full of bloody hills, they should choose a flat place instead, because after all, they all cycle up a mountain, to go back down, and some man gets a spotty t-shirt because he does well going up hills.

However, losing faith in Sky Sports, because, quite frankly, I could not give a flying fuck about some Pakistani men hitting a red ball about somewhere in Southern England against some team from a really obsolete country or a former colony. SORT IT OUT.

Just remembered Gaza's amazing performance during the Raoul Moat saga and how he believes he is immortal, unfortunately not big fella, although I wish you were. If you fancy a proper giggle, check this out http://www.the-gaffer.com/news/gazza%E2%80%99s-attempt-to-console-holland-with-beer-chicken-and-a-fishing-rod-is-foiled.html.

Otherwise, piss off until next time.

If Giraffe's could talkm they'd probably speak French...

... And at least in the World Cup we werent as bad as them. The French, not Giraffe's.

However, let's check out Holland guys! What goes on there? Apparently lackluster boozing laws, mass and glorified prostitution and legalised Cannabis consumption creates a nation worthy of beating the Samba dancerng, Salsa eating, Rainforest growing South Americans, commonly referred to as Brazil. Now I didnt see the game, but I am under good authority it was a good game, although I have seen the goals, and none were overly spectacular.

Other stuff that happened over the weekend (especially Sunday) was some German blokes not only beat our team at football, but also at driving cars really, really fast around a track. So well done young German man, for you, are a winner. However, more predictably, some hairy, swearing, drunk Australian man went too fast and crashed like a bad man, whilst exploring the Aeroplane dynamics of a Formula 1 car, which arent great. Also, that Spanish man won the Motorbike game thing because typically, the Italian man (who is rather good as it turns out) has given up half way through the season (Like many Italians beforehand *cough* World War 2 *cough*).

Apparently we won at Cricket again. Against the same people, but somehow, by that method, I can only see England getting batter than the team they are playing, and not all the other teams, because they are only ever playing the one team. So, in essence, we can beat Australia, but as soon as we come up against Ireland, we are fucked.

And, to finish on, Andy "I'm British when I win, Scottish when I lose" Murray, has lost. Scottish prick. Although, it could have been worse, because, after all, he did get beaten off Nadal, who is awesome, even if his boxers dont quite fit him. But in all fairness, there was no beating him, but, sorry Andy, back to Haggis land big fella!

Uraguay v Ghana has just gone to extra time. COME ON THE BLACK STARS!

Brillaint...

...Knocked out to the bloody Germans, going to gloss over that entire section right there, just not worth revisiting it, and it's hard to be funny about getting beat 4-1 because thats alreayd piss your pants funny if you dont support England.

Nothing interesting happened in sport today/this week, mainly because all focus was on the football.

Ciao Italia!..

...G'Day New Zealand!

After a fantastic French surrender it's nice to see the Italian coming out in sympathy, but a man not full of sympathy was Cannavaro, yanking his crying friends up from the floor as manly as he could, but we all know he cried in the showers. In a way it's nice to see 'lesser' teams doing well, but back to my previous post, it does have it's slight problems, but on the bright side, each Paraguayan player got his family a new goat for qualifying, you go Christian Riveros, you'll eat for a week!

Also, ENGLAND GOT THROUGH! And they played half decent, but then again, it was against an eastern European country that still believe in incest and Serfdom. But none the less, fantastic to see, and even better, we face Ze Germans in the next round, and already Becken "Jack" Bauer is sticking in his silly German nose, trying to mess shit up and start a war of words, but after current records, there's only one side going to win that war isn't there. Was also nice to say JdotCole having a run out with a little smile on his face, just happy to be there, a lot like the African stereotype at the World Cup. I'd rather have not qualified then go out to the SS. Dunkirk fucking spirit boys!

But in a mass amount of national pride, England beat the Criminals (Australia) at cricket...again. Luckily we had an Irishman who could bail us out when the shit hit the fan, and luckily the Aussies didn't notice him until Mitchell Johnson pointed out his height and how he scored runs not by running, but on the back of a 7/2 horse straight from Ascot.

Big shout out to John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, after battling for a monumental 11 hours and 5 minutes, (or 665 minutes for all you staticians out there) with the Sherman Tank eventually defeating the Snail eating man (whether he surrendered the game is yet to be confirmed). But both blokes should be given a medal, after most of us, we would have put our racket down, flipped a coin, and discussed the conclusion over a couple of pints at the nearest pub, and in achknowledgement of such a great game, including 215 aces (Mahut would have gotten the world record for most aces at 103 if it wasn't for Isners staggering 112 aces), the Queen went and watched some sweaty, ginger Scottish arse beat some bloke nobody has ever heard. Well done Queenie.

Other than that, nothing else has really happened in sport up until now, apart from a rare and great officiating performance from all 4 British officials (at the same time!) in South Africa today. So i'm off to Scotland for some golf for a couple of days so i'll round it all up then.

Bring on Ze Germans, but here's a few chants to sing at the pub
"My grandad shot your grandad, doo da, doo da"

*To the tune of 10 green bottles*
"There were 5 German bombers in the air, there 5 German bombers in the air, 5 German bombers, 5 German bombers, 5 German bombers in the air.....
AND the RAF from England shot one down, the RAF from England shot one, and the RAF from England, RAF from England, RAF from England shot one down"

"5-1, even Heskey scored,
5-1, even Heskey scored!"

and finally

"2 World Wars and 1 World Cup, doo da, doo da"