Well, seemingly, my little 'blog break' has been ended...

...thaaks to Craig Whiteman (http://whiteman92.blogspot.com/ check him out, he can be funny, occasionally) being like a nagging mother, little bitch, moaning how ive never done one in ages,

"I've been expecting one since the world cup final,and Rossi' comeback, and the transfer window officially opening, and the Tour De France." GET A LIFE. However, i'm going to take these points and thrust them into a blog. GO ME.

So, eventually the Transfer 'window' opened, but it's not really a window, it's more like a door as many people from many nations come flooding through all at once. Not much has really happened in it though, loads have teams have bought players from countries, most of which are unheard of, for a bag of rice and a flashy new mudhut, whilst others have made the dreadfully long trip from the north to south bank of the Thames. But it has highlighted the absolute greed of some players, Yaya Toure has swapped sunny Barcelona for shitty Man City, but all for £220 000 a week, although, when he was like 10, all he had was a pair of underpants and a sandal shared between him and his borther Kolo. But, hopefully, he decides to live here, so the mother fucker gets taxed a massive proportion of that, muahahahahahahaha.

The World Cup Final wasnt long ago, and it was an okay game, but occasionally, it drifted into a fight thanks to the Dutch.



It's okay Nigel De Jong, I wasn't looking your way...

Also, although this blog seems to be going on, let's all throw our tut's and shaking heads in the direction of Frank Ribery, the worst pimp...EVER. C'mon Frank, if your going to be a pimp, be a good one, who were you kidding, under age girls. You sicko. However, in other news, Gary Glitter is filing for bankruptcy after alledgedly spending any money he had left in a suspicious shop in Southern Germany.

The Open also happened at the weekend, and well done gappy toother man from South Africa, as you got lucky with the weather. I turely believe if Rory "I love potatoes me" McIlroy wasnt playing in a gale second round he would have fucked you right over.

In the world of Motorsport the Italian man is back on his crotch rocket after having a little boo boo on it, and Mark Webber used his air miles wisely and returned from Thailand with 24 sexually transmitted diseases. To you Mark Webber, one tips ones hat to you.

The Tour de France is going on as well. And, honestly, I could not think of a worse place to ride a bloody bike. France may be all scenic, but its full of bloody hills, they should choose a flat place instead, because after all, they all cycle up a mountain, to go back down, and some man gets a spotty t-shirt because he does well going up hills.

However, losing faith in Sky Sports, because, quite frankly, I could not give a flying fuck about some Pakistani men hitting a red ball about somewhere in Southern England against some team from a really obsolete country or a former colony. SORT IT OUT.

Just remembered Gaza's amazing performance during the Raoul Moat saga and how he believes he is immortal, unfortunately not big fella, although I wish you were. If you fancy a proper giggle, check this out http://www.the-gaffer.com/news/gazza%E2%80%99s-attempt-to-console-holland-with-beer-chicken-and-a-fishing-rod-is-foiled.html.

Otherwise, piss off until next time.

If Giraffe's could talkm they'd probably speak French...

... And at least in the World Cup we werent as bad as them. The French, not Giraffe's.

However, let's check out Holland guys! What goes on there? Apparently lackluster boozing laws, mass and glorified prostitution and legalised Cannabis consumption creates a nation worthy of beating the Samba dancerng, Salsa eating, Rainforest growing South Americans, commonly referred to as Brazil. Now I didnt see the game, but I am under good authority it was a good game, although I have seen the goals, and none were overly spectacular.

Other stuff that happened over the weekend (especially Sunday) was some German blokes not only beat our team at football, but also at driving cars really, really fast around a track. So well done young German man, for you, are a winner. However, more predictably, some hairy, swearing, drunk Australian man went too fast and crashed like a bad man, whilst exploring the Aeroplane dynamics of a Formula 1 car, which arent great. Also, that Spanish man won the Motorbike game thing because typically, the Italian man (who is rather good as it turns out) has given up half way through the season (Like many Italians beforehand *cough* World War 2 *cough*).

Apparently we won at Cricket again. Against the same people, but somehow, by that method, I can only see England getting batter than the team they are playing, and not all the other teams, because they are only ever playing the one team. So, in essence, we can beat Australia, but as soon as we come up against Ireland, we are fucked.

And, to finish on, Andy "I'm British when I win, Scottish when I lose" Murray, has lost. Scottish prick. Although, it could have been worse, because, after all, he did get beaten off Nadal, who is awesome, even if his boxers dont quite fit him. But in all fairness, there was no beating him, but, sorry Andy, back to Haggis land big fella!

Uraguay v Ghana has just gone to extra time. COME ON THE BLACK STARS!

Brillaint...

...Knocked out to the bloody Germans, going to gloss over that entire section right there, just not worth revisiting it, and it's hard to be funny about getting beat 4-1 because thats alreayd piss your pants funny if you dont support England.

Nothing interesting happened in sport today/this week, mainly because all focus was on the football.

Ciao Italia!..

...G'Day New Zealand!

After a fantastic French surrender it's nice to see the Italian coming out in sympathy, but a man not full of sympathy was Cannavaro, yanking his crying friends up from the floor as manly as he could, but we all know he cried in the showers. In a way it's nice to see 'lesser' teams doing well, but back to my previous post, it does have it's slight problems, but on the bright side, each Paraguayan player got his family a new goat for qualifying, you go Christian Riveros, you'll eat for a week!

Also, ENGLAND GOT THROUGH! And they played half decent, but then again, it was against an eastern European country that still believe in incest and Serfdom. But none the less, fantastic to see, and even better, we face Ze Germans in the next round, and already Becken "Jack" Bauer is sticking in his silly German nose, trying to mess shit up and start a war of words, but after current records, there's only one side going to win that war isn't there. Was also nice to say JdotCole having a run out with a little smile on his face, just happy to be there, a lot like the African stereotype at the World Cup. I'd rather have not qualified then go out to the SS. Dunkirk fucking spirit boys!

But in a mass amount of national pride, England beat the Criminals (Australia) at cricket...again. Luckily we had an Irishman who could bail us out when the shit hit the fan, and luckily the Aussies didn't notice him until Mitchell Johnson pointed out his height and how he scored runs not by running, but on the back of a 7/2 horse straight from Ascot.

Big shout out to John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, after battling for a monumental 11 hours and 5 minutes, (or 665 minutes for all you staticians out there) with the Sherman Tank eventually defeating the Snail eating man (whether he surrendered the game is yet to be confirmed). But both blokes should be given a medal, after most of us, we would have put our racket down, flipped a coin, and discussed the conclusion over a couple of pints at the nearest pub, and in achknowledgement of such a great game, including 215 aces (Mahut would have gotten the world record for most aces at 103 if it wasn't for Isners staggering 112 aces), the Queen went and watched some sweaty, ginger Scottish arse beat some bloke nobody has ever heard. Well done Queenie.

Other than that, nothing else has really happened in sport up until now, apart from a rare and great officiating performance from all 4 British officials (at the same time!) in South Africa today. So i'm off to Scotland for some golf for a couple of days so i'll round it all up then.

Bring on Ze Germans, but here's a few chants to sing at the pub
"My grandad shot your grandad, doo da, doo da"

*To the tune of 10 green bottles*
"There were 5 German bombers in the air, there 5 German bombers in the air, 5 German bombers, 5 German bombers, 5 German bombers in the air.....
AND the RAF from England shot one down, the RAF from England shot one, and the RAF from England, RAF from England, RAF from England shot one down"

"5-1, even Heskey scored,
5-1, even Heskey scored!"

and finally

"2 World Wars and 1 World Cup, doo da, doo da"

Seem to have gotten it wrong...

I dont know why, but for a moment back then, I assumed we were the dog munchers, sorry.

to rephrase

"A chance to play Ghana or Germany in the last 16, safe to say, C'MON ENGLAND!"

To quote Craig Byrne...

..."the day the world cup final is Serbia vs Mexico is the day I hang myself".
And it's been giant killings again in the world cup. Which is a shame, in a way. It's fair to say that France played like a team not unified, not hungry and a team who just didnt give a shit. In my opinion, the only reason they actually played football was to spite Ireland. Nice. But going out after losing 2-1 to Sotuh Africa (who aren't the greatest footballing nation ever) really says it all, especially when you read the team sheet, Tshabalala sounds like he belongs in a Tony Christie song rather than Centre Midfield. All in all, i made the wrong match choices today, but looking at some of the highlights, the Uraguay gam wasnt amazing neither, 4 games in a day with 2 being played at the same time isn't good. In fact, it's about as cool as scoring a reall good goal, screaming at a camera and getting pulled for failing a "random drug test".

Also watched some cricket today, before thinking to myself "Has it got this bad that i'm watching a fat Australian man throw a ball at a scared looking man with some sponge and a plank of wood as a defence mechanism?", realising the answer was "No" and quickly flicked to some NASCAR.

I would also like to say I truely believe NASCAR is okay to watch, but why the oval tracks all the time? Are the Yanks really that stupid that they cant go round one corner, then do a corner the opposite way? Oh wait, they're from the deep south, taking it all back! Tools.

And it was the long awaited "Emergency budget" today, in which I was surprised the Tories didn't put up petrol and booze taxes just to fuck us (working class people) over a little more. But wait, there's more to that..Upson IS starting tomorrow? Poor choice Don Fabio, Michael Dawson all the way bruv, you get me? That's right, 3pm tomorrow! Fuck you David "call me Dave" Cameron, more pressing issues are at hand, the only way the budget would have been less popular is if Cameron confirmed Heskey was starting tomorrow. Thats how much we care mate. Cheers ConDem.

And so as the Argie Bargies beat the Plate Smashers, I give my leave, so with France out, Mexico and Argentina through with relative ease and the offer of a game against Uraguay in the last 16, it's safe to C'MON ENGLAND!

So...

.. the budget is announced tomorrow, but who cares, after all, it means 24 hours until Englands crucial game against Slovenia or whoever it is.
So far, i've been smitten by the World Cup, but i don't understand why, i'd find better football in League 1 these days. Sure, the players are world class and the officiating is of the highest standard, but it's safe to say, compared to other World Cups (at the half way stage), it's been shite. Fewer goals (but thanks for the effort Portugal), and loads of red cards (Thank you Asian referee's). So far there hasn't been a truely outstanding team, the Germans started well but flopped quickly, Spain (ther perrenial unachievers) seem to be doing just that, Italy have stuttered their way to 2 points while Ireland have seemed to defect after the abrupt end Nick O'Nelka's World Cup after a dressing room spat with Ray Done-me-neckin, with Argentina doing good, but looking shakey at theback. And, well, as for England, lets leave that one.
However, I have been pleasantly surprised by Paraguay, and its safe to say, theyr'e okay, and same goes for Uraguay, but my stand out favourites so far have been Chile. Simple as that.

The Cricket season also marches on, but very few actually care about that, because we all know some bats-person somewhere, most probably born in Australia, hit a few 4's, knocked a couple of 6's then ran loads of other numbers, such as the number 1, 2 and 3. So well done that man.

The Tennis also started today, but i don't personally watch it, as we all know some British person will do okay in it, get to like the Quater Finals and get beat off some bloke who's Dad makes watches or fights Bull's for a living and goes on to be the eventual winner, while one of the Williams birds wins the womens.

Motorsport has also been happening, and as part time Brit, Lewis Hamilton wins some stuff like champagne which he squirts at Germans (in an attempt to blind them with the fizzy stuff as to remind them who's boss after 2 world wars and a motorway speed limit of 70), some Italian prick fell on his Cycle and hurt himself, he then said he'd miss a few races and now some Paella eating ponce is winning a few races, but, it's better than the man from the deep south who believes in Jesus and Motorsport and repents Gay's and non drunk-drivers.

Another sport (in which i'm interested in) will grab some headlines, as Northern Irishman, Graeme McDowell won the U.S Open, so well done son, get yourself a beer that sort of is a Guinness, but not quite, or even better, use it as a platform to dig up some stuff from Bloody Sunday that nobody really cares about anymore and claim you back the British Army, or plant a bomb in the Trafford Centre as some sort of victory celebration. But still, well done, you beat the man who plays golf the wrong way round and the man whore (and lapsed faith Buddhist) Tiger.

And it was also good fun watching the Irish midgets ride really big horses really fast over hedges and shit and then some fell off and some men in funny hats (who resembles the Monopoly Man) lost some money, and some won. Get in.

Overall the next few weeks are looking interesting, as a persue my career in being a Sky Sports columnist, I am now changing this bad boiiii to a comical-ish look on sport. Geeeeet up.